have you ever felt your heart ripped up and thrown? have you ever felt your heart ache at the sight of that hope, that oh so rarely appears. have you ever felt the tears just run down, even though you tell yourself time and time again to stand up strong? have you ever felt the weight of that hidden burden you carry each day? have you ever heard the shattering of your heart as each day passes? have you ever tried forgetting? have you ever thought of doing something silly, like restarting your life, or moving far far away from this land? have you ever tried listening to your friends' words, but it just keeps coming back again and again? have you ever tried absorbing yourself into tv, books, hoping you would surface refreshed, renewed? have you ever spent lonely nights, just crying? have you ever fell and wish you would just disappear? have you ever tried to rise up, only to find that you're stuck even more to the ground? have you ever question yourself, why cant you just get up and be a normal person? have you ever question the intergrity of your character? have you ever loved? have you ever been tempted to just rush into smthing, so wrong to your principles and just hope to forget the consequences? have you ever cried to God timeless times, only to hear that its your voice all along? have you ever thanked God for these times of trouble? have you ever felt that your faith is crumbling? have you ever determined not to give up? have you ever looked at your loved ones with a cheerful mask and hope that somehow they would notice that thin crack of sadness that you try to hide so bad? have you ever realised that your friends are no longer the friends that used to be? have you ever wished you could supernaturally change things? have you ever felt so emotionally drained that even waking up would be the hardest and least thing you would want to do? have you ever? i have, many times, and sometimes, i think i can just go mad... or go home NOW. cos i cant take this anymore. "No, no. this cant be happening!" Clothes, papers, letters, stationary, books were strewn across the room. She was searching, searching for something.Her face paled with horror as realisation overthrew her. A sob subtly came as she began to panick. She was so afraid of losing it, and suddenly she comprehended- she had already lost it ages ago. A wave of despair overwhelmed her. She slumped, motionless, too tired to move. Her surrondings became a swirl of colours. She could no longer see, let alone recognise anything. Slowly, she lifted up her hands to her face and crawled into a spot that would perhap allow her to stay that way, buried deep into the ground away from that horrible nightmare. Images ran through her senseless mind. And she suddenly realised that right then and right now, she would have wilfully killed herself, if not for God- the creator and lover of her soul. i saw him today again. But he somehow looked very different from what i used to see. Perhaps it was his aloof-ness or coldness that slowly begun to creep into my heart. I rubbed my eyes, maybe just maybe, it was my vision. I tried again and agan, hoping to clear of that somewhat uneasy and unfamiliar image of him. And surely, yet gently, i heard voices, coaxing me, distracting me from the vexation i had accuqire. "jean, wake up, get up!" i saw them. and realised they seemed so far, so unreachable. and i closed my eyes, hoping one more time to see a familar face smile at me and to shut the voices that were trying to help me. i'm sorry, i'm such a b***h. okay shaan and jiaern, i'll give it 7 days, if it doesnt happen, i give up. and i mean it this time, i really will.
