you have stolen my <3

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 ♥

ranted@2:47 PM

Dear diary,
JEAN says

do u believe in a heaven and a hell?

i do.

everybody's gonna die someday. the question is when?

and..
i can tell you.
if i were u..
i'll try and hope like shit dat i'll be able to go to heaven.

ppl describe hell as a party.
like a reunion where all the bad guys go to after death
to well jus party all day long...
but it aint like that.
hell is a place where u live in a furnace..
you know. like the ones they use to burn the coffins and stuff.
jus that hell is billions and millions of times hotter.
and FOREVER.
many of us take hell lightly.
we use WTH.
or.. hell you.
that kinda sentences.
perhaps that's why nowadays so many of us take hell lightly and don't really care whether we end up in hell or heaven.
movies. stories and shows depict hell as a place of party and fun..
that's wad the devil wants us to see.
to see and believe that hell is a rather fun place to be and what the christians and the bible say is totally bullshit.
but.. that's the total opposite.
hell is a place of torment, gashing of teeth.
wad's worse is that ppl in hell can see the ppl in heaven havin fun, joy and laughter for eternity.
and that's the worst kind of mental torment any human being can have.

heaven on the other hand..
is a wonderful place.
where there'll be no more sadness. anger or disappointment.
the roads and everything made there is of gold.
i can nvr ever describe how beautiful that place is gonna b.
i know it sounds like a fairy tale.
but it exists.
but the road to it is narrow.
and only a few will spot the road and travel there.

u mus b wondering how can u get to heaven?
well..
its simple and almost unbelievable.
u jus have to believe.
believe in Jesus Christ.
cos.. afterall..
Jesus said that He is the ONLY way to the Father in Heaven.

Christanity isnt jus a religion.
its a relationship with God himself.
and.. i can tell you it rocks.
tho i am a second generation christian..
that doesnt mean anything.
yes i grew up in a church.
learning all these biblical stuff.
you may say i've been brainwashed or smthing.
but i can tell you that i haven
cos.. i questioned my faith
and... i found the true and living God.
JESUS CHRIST.

and.. now.. my question to you is.
where do u want to end up after death?
heaven or hell?

my body. my soul. my mind.
my everything
GOD is in control.

♥ Love, ME

Saturday, March 11, 2006 ♥

ranted@11:43 PM

Dear diary,
JEAN says

This is what the person who has been tagged(tag-ee?)has to do.
The tagged victin has t come up with 8 different points of their Perfect Lover. Specify the gender of the target. Tag 8 victims to join this game and leave a comment on their page saying that they've been tagged. if tagged a second time, there's no need to post again.

okay.. so i finally decided to 'surrender' to denise and join this 'lovely and rather interesting?' game
well.. the gender has to be a MALE. duh. LOL
1. very importantly he MUS b a christian.a strong one indeed.
God will nvr send me a non-christian as the one.
2. he has to have a good character. one that is appealing to God. appealing to my family and my frens and of course to me.
3. his looks has to be appealing to me. like hello. if we're gonna get married. i'll be like seein him everyday. so.. looks are impt too. HAHA.
4. he has to like lil children and animals. hahas. i know its lame. but.. waddever.
5. he has to be able to motivate me to achieve stuff. yeah
6. he has to understand me. and b senstive. i hate it when guys always think that they are the superior gender.
7. he mus be able to listen to my crapping. cos i jus love to talk talk talk
8. He mus love me for who i am. VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT. hahaha.

okay.. but i trust the Lord will send the right one.. who knows.. he might jus b right in front of me right now..

okay.. so since the beginning is talking of romance and relationship..
today i shall write about dating.

my dad says that there are 3 levels of relationship.
NO 1. there is the phyiscal relationship. it is the lowest level of all. and many a times ppl mistake this physical relationship as 'true' love and.. well.. end up hurt. phyiscal relationship is bascially jus mere phyiscal attraction between two ppl cos of their phyiscal attributes such as looks, style.
NO 2. there is the soul relationship. this is the 2nd level of relationships. it talks about the connection between 2 ppl. this chemistry that causes 2 ppl to b together like.. they can read each other actions or minds and understand.
NO 3. there is the spiritual relationship. this is the hardest and highest level perhaps of the romance realm. to achieve such a level. these ppl need God in their life. and the key word is to PRAY. PRAY PRAY.

yeah. to me.. love, dating and marriage are very significant. that's why i have this motto of no bfs till after a levels. cos i wld b more matured? yeah. i believe that all christians should not have unequally yoked marriages. cos.. God will never send us a non-christian to b our husbands or wives. to me.. my relationship with my future bf has to be based on God. and that our focus will b on God. not on ourselves. our objective is to glorify God's name thru our relationship. i dun want it to be some fling or wadsoever. yeah.

it musnt be a selfish relationship
it must be based on our faith.
it must be serious and not some fling.
it must be an example to other christians
it must be approved by my parents and family.
it musnt be for self-interest.
it must be pure.
it musnt destroy our values.

and the list goes on... haven really thought of it yet..

basically now isnt the time.. right now.. i should see singleness as a gift from God. and let him work thru me.. patient and He will come one day...

yup. i dunno. but even if i think i found Him i mus still seek God and ask him. right now. i'm only 16. with a life ahead. with a family to think of. with a career to find. a purpose to fulfil.
so.. all i'll do is pray and ask God to show me..

ps.waiting for the right time and the right man.

♥ Love, ME

Wednesday, March 01, 2006 ♥

ranted@6:24 PM

Dear diary,
JEAN says

"The Room" by Joshua Harris

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I’ve Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn’t laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

By Joshua Harris. Orginally published in New Attitude Magazine © Copyright New Attitude 1995
You have permission to reprint this in any form. We only ask that you include the appropriate copyright byline.

this story reminds me of Christ death.
i'll never understand the pain He went through.
yes. Passion of Christ did emphasized on it.
but.. i'll never feel the pain..
the intensity of the pain He went through.
The humiliation He went through.
The toture..
The temptations so great.. and yet. for the sake of our lives..
He rebuked the temptations and took up the painful way instead.
yes yes yes.
movies only can bring you the images and sound effect.
but..
The actual process of experiencing it is well..
let's jus say a totally different perspective.
so...
it reminds me that though..

sometimes. when LIFE jus seem meaningless.
STOP and think...
Perhaps.. someone out there is crying and laughing with u.
every step of your LIFE
every breath that you take.

when it hurts deep down there.
ands u feel all is lost..
REMEMBER
God is always there..

when u feel like life is meaningless.
friends have failed you.
loved ones have failed you.
REMEMBER
God never fails.

when you want to jump for JOY and scream out loud..
cos.. what u hoped for came true...
REMEMBER
God alr knew and He was alr jumping for JOY when He took you in His care and.. gave life to you.

when you're so pissed off at this world
for makin life such a living hell
REMEMBER
God have forgiven u of UR sins

The LOVE of GOD so greatly showered upon me..
i can never never never ever thank HIM enuf.
HE took me in HIS arms.
and cried with me when no one out there was there to comfort me.
He cried with me the time when i thought Life was meaningless.
He cried with me when i thought all was Lost.
He cried with me when i sinned against Him.
He cried with me the time when i shouted at someone
He cried with me when i thought of dying.
He cried with me when i thought i couldnt make it in this world.
and yet... despite all these
at times i still feel that no one out there understands me
at times i still feel that Life is meaningless
at times i still think that ALL is lost
at times i still think that sinning is okay..
at times i still shout at people.
at times i still think of dying
at times i still think that i wont b able to make it in this world.

i jus wanna tell God i'm sorry for all the evil things i've done.
i have failed you.. and most probably will in time to come.
i have and most probably will sin
i'm sorry.

i jus wanna put my life into your hands.
and trust u.
and yes.

i know that sometimes...
hard things will come into my way.
decisions will have to b made in my life.
pain will hurt me at the deepest.
tears will flow.
hearts will bleed.
thoughts will flow.
words will break and hurt my soul.
temptations will come.
times will come..
when i feel sad.
when i feel left out.
when i feel disappointed.
when i feel angry.
when i feel jealous.
when i feel intense pain and hurt.
when i feel loved.
when i feel neglected.
when i feel happy.
when i feel proud.
when i feel excited.
when i feel fearful.
when i feel tired.
when i feel stressed.
when i feel confused.
when i feel lost.
when i feel puzzled.
when i feel stupid.

i jus wanna PLACE my LIFE into YOUR wonderful BIG hands.
help me and guide me in my decisions in LIFE.
JESUS.
YOU ARE THE REASON WHY I'M LIVING.
HELP me to FOCUS on YOU , TRUST YOU, LISTEN to YOU...
and to FIND YOUR PURPOSE for me.

CharacterCHRIST youths. never ever give up. press on and shine for the LORD.
the omega.
the alpha.
the all-knowing
the omipresent.

to CharacterCHRIST youths.
whose side are actually YOU on?
(thought of the day)

my life. my soul. my body. GOD is in control

♥ Love, ME