you have stolen my <3

Wednesday, March 01, 2006 ♥

ranted@6:24 PM

Dear diary,
JEAN says

"The Room" by Joshua Harris

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I’ve Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn’t laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

By Joshua Harris. Orginally published in New Attitude Magazine © Copyright New Attitude 1995
You have permission to reprint this in any form. We only ask that you include the appropriate copyright byline.

this story reminds me of Christ death.
i'll never understand the pain He went through.
yes. Passion of Christ did emphasized on it.
but.. i'll never feel the pain..
the intensity of the pain He went through.
The humiliation He went through.
The toture..
The temptations so great.. and yet. for the sake of our lives..
He rebuked the temptations and took up the painful way instead.
yes yes yes.
movies only can bring you the images and sound effect.
but..
The actual process of experiencing it is well..
let's jus say a totally different perspective.
so...
it reminds me that though..

sometimes. when LIFE jus seem meaningless.
STOP and think...
Perhaps.. someone out there is crying and laughing with u.
every step of your LIFE
every breath that you take.

when it hurts deep down there.
ands u feel all is lost..
REMEMBER
God is always there..

when u feel like life is meaningless.
friends have failed you.
loved ones have failed you.
REMEMBER
God never fails.

when you want to jump for JOY and scream out loud..
cos.. what u hoped for came true...
REMEMBER
God alr knew and He was alr jumping for JOY when He took you in His care and.. gave life to you.

when you're so pissed off at this world
for makin life such a living hell
REMEMBER
God have forgiven u of UR sins

The LOVE of GOD so greatly showered upon me..
i can never never never ever thank HIM enuf.
HE took me in HIS arms.
and cried with me when no one out there was there to comfort me.
He cried with me the time when i thought Life was meaningless.
He cried with me when i thought all was Lost.
He cried with me when i sinned against Him.
He cried with me the time when i shouted at someone
He cried with me when i thought of dying.
He cried with me when i thought i couldnt make it in this world.
and yet... despite all these
at times i still feel that no one out there understands me
at times i still feel that Life is meaningless
at times i still think that ALL is lost
at times i still think that sinning is okay..
at times i still shout at people.
at times i still think of dying
at times i still think that i wont b able to make it in this world.

i jus wanna tell God i'm sorry for all the evil things i've done.
i have failed you.. and most probably will in time to come.
i have and most probably will sin
i'm sorry.

i jus wanna put my life into your hands.
and trust u.
and yes.

i know that sometimes...
hard things will come into my way.
decisions will have to b made in my life.
pain will hurt me at the deepest.
tears will flow.
hearts will bleed.
thoughts will flow.
words will break and hurt my soul.
temptations will come.
times will come..
when i feel sad.
when i feel left out.
when i feel disappointed.
when i feel angry.
when i feel jealous.
when i feel intense pain and hurt.
when i feel loved.
when i feel neglected.
when i feel happy.
when i feel proud.
when i feel excited.
when i feel fearful.
when i feel tired.
when i feel stressed.
when i feel confused.
when i feel lost.
when i feel puzzled.
when i feel stupid.

i jus wanna PLACE my LIFE into YOUR wonderful BIG hands.
help me and guide me in my decisions in LIFE.
JESUS.
YOU ARE THE REASON WHY I'M LIVING.
HELP me to FOCUS on YOU , TRUST YOU, LISTEN to YOU...
and to FIND YOUR PURPOSE for me.

CharacterCHRIST youths. never ever give up. press on and shine for the LORD.
the omega.
the alpha.
the all-knowing
the omipresent.

to CharacterCHRIST youths.
whose side are actually YOU on?
(thought of the day)

my life. my soul. my body. GOD is in control

♥ Love, ME